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The unknown
An entry that maybe you don't want to read.
Hi, my pretty swans. This is probably not close to any other entry I have written before. I will understand if you don't want to read it. This post is not meant to reach many other people, and maybe most of you won't understand the feelings, words, or phrases I'm about to write down. But that's okay because everyone is different. Everyone's emotions are different. So I won't judge if you don't want to keep reading and just letting you know before you continue that thankyou for all the support and love, I love you.
I personally don't know where to start. I'll just write and spit everything out. Because sometimes the truth needs to be said and the feeling needs to be expressed. Most of you know me as J or Juls or simply selenophile blogger. You know I like signing out all my blogs to let you know that I wrote it and that I simply don't know it just makes me feel seen. None of you have ever really seen my face, know my real name, or even know my story. But that's okay. I guess I'll just start.
So summer is nearly over. Well, actually it officially ends tomorrow for me and all my friends from school. Yeah, I start school again tomorrow. And I can't avoid feeling stressed, anxious, and nervous, I feel like I have this big lump inside my body that just weighs on me and I can't avoid it. I know I shouldn't feel that way right? school I mean is a place where I should feel safe, comfortable, and welcomed. But I just can't understand why this year I feel the totally opposite. I feel exposed, vulnerable, and kind of alone. If I'm honest last year when school ended I thought during the summer I would hang out all day, go out with my friends, get myself a boyfriend, and have the teenage summer I had always wished for. The one I begged for when I was a little girl. The one I saw in the movies. The one summer I was jealous about. The one summer I thought I needed.
With our realizing it I had made it. I had an awesome summer. I had pj parties, I got myself a boyfriend well actually now is an ex, and I was basically living my best life having fun and saving memories, I was in my element just comforted by my solitude when I needed it and hugged by my loved ones when I found the urge to socialize. I went to the cinema and saw with joy all the movies I always wanted to see. I found myself a person that was always willing to go out and that helped me when things got bad. So then if my summer had been so "perfect" why am I feeling so empty? I think it's because I just have this fear that this year I won't be with my friends in the classroom, I think that is because of the low motivation I am having lately, I think it's because of the lack of control I have.
I try to hide it and isolate myself, I try to turn my emotions off and pretend everything is okay, I block my thoughts by staring at a wall, swimming in social media, or even dancing in my house with the music blasting my eardrums just to avoid silence just to avoid thinking just to avoid drowning in my overthinking thoughts that are constantly passing my mind because I'm scared, I'm scared of not having control, I'm scared of feeling vulnerable if things don't go out as planned. And I know that ignoring my thoughts and my worries is not okay, the majority of you would tell me to sit down with my thoughts and go through them. But I can't because it has been so much that I have been hiding so much that I have been avoiding processing that now it has just accumulated.
But I'll get over it. I always do. Because at the end of the day, it doesn't matter how much people can help you, it doesn't matter how many self-care videos you watch to try restarting your life. Because a new you need to start from within you. Only you have the power to convert it. Only you have the power to defend yourself, only you have the power to start over. Because at the end of the day no matter how bad the day, the week, or the month has been we still have ourselves. So we need to learn how to understand ourselves and we need to learn to love the unknown because it creates us, it divines us and maybe it isn't what we expect or maybe it's the worst thing that could ever happen to you but it challenges you, it makes you live things you didn't knew you could live, it spices up your life, and most importantly it helps to get to know yourself. It helps you learn about your unknown feelings, your unknown fears, and your unknown desires. It helps you learn about you.
It made me know my unknown feelings about love and friendship. It made me learn about my fears about not having control. It made me know about my desire to have the summer I wanted and it all pushed me to have fun and it was scary. It was scary waking up and realizing that I was hiding my overthinking emotions it makes you feel empty. It makes you realize you have so much to discover within yourself and that's scary it is scary finding out you don't really know yourself. But it makes you know yourself.
It's the path to loving yourself so love it. Love the unknown.
I hope I have opened up and reminded you of a new truth
by J 🦢
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